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I tell you everything Every dam embarrassing thing
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| hello again!! |
[27 Sep 2009|12:16am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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SO it's almost been exactly two years since I've updated. WEIRD. funniest part is that my last post still stands true. I'm in the exact same spot and mood as I was then. WELL I can't say that I hate everyone. I love my friends and family but I still have a pretty bad outlook on the male species. It's so embarassing when you spend two years of your life thinking FINALLY I'VE FOUND EXACTLY WHAT I'VE WANTED IN LIFE AND CAN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER only to one day find out that it is not true AT ALL. I really do feel like I have no hope for anyone ever finding "true love". It just doesn't exist. And that's that.
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[28 Sep 2007|03:45pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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i really do hate everyone and everything. what the fuck is the point.
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| Restless. |
[23 Aug 2007|09:59am] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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Hey Mister |
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now the summers winding down and its time again for everyone to "get serious" and get on their ways back to school and continue to carry on pretending they know what theyre doing and why theyre doing it. it makes me sick. i dont want to waste my time doing something i hate and do not want to do. why does life have to be so fucking unfair? i dont understand what fucking retard assholes made all these lame ass rules and why we are all still living by them. Who's fucking happy? No one. I don't see one genuinely happy about life and the world person a day. To be honest, I can't remember the last person like this I saw besides a child. And the only reason why they're smiling is because they have no fucking clue what theyre in for. A life of fucking misery.
Idk maybe i'm just finally growing up and realizing how hard it is to survive on your own in the world but i just dont understand why we make it so. we have all the fucking technology in the world but we cant think of a simple way of getting enough nutrients into every humans stomach a day? isnt that the first step to being happy?
God I'm just so anxious and tired of living under so much stress. I don't get why nothing ever changes for the better and no one ever does anything about it. where to start, where to start...
anyways, back to summer being gone. days and nights are a blur of cold and wetness. this last month was kind of a disappointment. i guess it balances out with last month tho which was a really good one, maybe the best of my life. I can't imagine how much worse off I'd be if i didnt find me a handsome young hippie boy that i love!
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| so, |
[04 Aug 2007|02:01am] |
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mood |
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 cant wait! |
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music |
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everything will just fall into place |
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...i am leaving in a few to go get lost in the mountains for a weekend with my true love. i am going to have a blast! =D
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| blaaahhhhh |
[09 Jun 2007|05:28am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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florida was so much fun. besides my bitchy family. but i managed to have a good time. i love life.<3
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| Paradise |
[17 May 2007|10:09am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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Me and three girlfriends took a trip to the beach the other day and had an amazing experience. It was probably one of the most beautiful days of my life. It was such a needed day off from work and after leaving laying on the beach all day i was so refreshed and felt like a completly new stronger person. i love my friends. but i hate sunburn,
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| What do you think? |
[09 May 2007|05:15pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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I can't decide if i want to keep my hair and grow it longer or cut it all off again for the summer. i feel like i need something light and new to sport this carefree summer.
plus, I need to look my best for FL! So?
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[02 May 2007|12:09am] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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today i took the initiative of figuring out the trampoline. note to self: if you want something done right, do it yourself.
Don't ever put your faith in a man and doubt your abilities. We women must learn to continue our independence and beautiful things are only bound to happen.
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| i hate my life. |
[01 May 2007|09:59am] |
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mood |
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in tears |
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so i just went to return the 4 books i had to buy for my history class and the fucking store would only buy back one of them, the smallest $10 one because the bigger 3 had "water damage" from sitting in my trunk all semester. they werent even bad at all. fucking why me? i didnt even use those fucking books. plus i cant return my psychology book until i find its counterpart study guide and who knows if they will even accept that because it was from two semesters ago. i also wasted $60 on some remote clicker thing i cant return that i also used once. the teacher never told me it was going to be close to pointless to buy. i fucking hate college and everything.
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| haha |
[27 Apr 2007|01:24pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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i cant kick the habit |
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so i walked into what i thought was to be my last sociology class just now 15 minutes late as usual expecting to review for the final and i see that everyones already taking it. shit. and to think i was going to go in high like i always do.
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| try to look on the good side of things |
[26 Apr 2007|12:45pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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The Daylights |
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I am currently in my school computer lab typing with a bum hand. All i wanted was a lousy trampoline for the summer. Instead I get my flesh hooked and have to go serve tonight at work all bandaged up. still no trampoline. Who knows what will happen with that half put together death trap in my back yard. after all this its hard to say fuck it return it take it all apart and lug it back to walmart to get my money back but at the same time i really just feel like giving up. But my nephew was so excited for it. Not as much as I was. i dont fucking know. nothing seems to be going anyones way lately. i just talked to my history professor about my grade and she said since i didnt do the required paper that i shouldnt bother taking the exam because she will fail me if i never plan on completing it. i wasnt looking forward to taking that final anyways. so i failed my first class ever. and i still have to pay for it. bummer. on top of working with an unstitched wound, studying for my other finals and trying to mourn with my family members, i am so worried about a great deal of other people's well-being. everyone seems to be sinking into great states of depression. a lot of bullshits been going on in a lot of my family's and friends' lives and i feel like i should be there for them and i want to but i feel suppressed by this society. I am never allowed to pay attention to the things that truly matter in life. i just want to take a break from all the stupid bullshit and just be with my loved ones so we can all get over these life obstacles together. I feel like my relationships with people could be so much better if I only had the time. I need summer so bad. At least tomorrow is my last class of the semester. I can't wait to finally have time to do whatever it is that i want.
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| what to do |
[17 Apr 2007|01:51am] |
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mood |
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 wishing i was a lesbian |
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so ive had a rough weekend. wanna hear about it? well idc because this is the only place i can vent without holding back. to begin with the least of my problems but a major stressor of mine is the fact that i had a research paper due on thursday in which we were given the whole semester to do and i never even started. i ended up not forcing myself to do it and continued to procrastinate by skipping school thursday and deciding id accept a lower grade for a late paper. then friday rolls along and i thought it was going to be a great day going to NY with Heather until i find out that my Uncle Gary hung himself the night before. I havent told too many people about it because I feel like nobody likes to talk about those types of things because its so sad and depressing and noone ever knows what to say. Id rather just skip the awkward "im sorry" conversations and just try to get over it. I want to say that I'm okay about it because I wasn't too close with him and maybe only saw him once a year or so. But he was my uncle. He committed suicide. someone in my family. I feel like it's a big deal and I don't know what to do. I'm just trying my best not to think about it but its so hard to focus on all the other bullshit I have to deal with on my plate when I can't understand what just happened. It's just so sad. He was a handsome guy. He had the bluest eyes and modest charm. He was somewhat quiet but you could tell there was so much going on inside his head. He was a good guy and deserved to be happy. But this society didn't let him. He couldn't find a decent job and he and his twin brother were constantly struggling to pay the bills to keep a roof over their heads. They stuck through it together and always kept an eye on each other when one or the other would go through periods of depression to make sure they didn't do anything drastic. The worst part of it all is that his brother Greg is still in Rhode Island where they lived together and not here in Ct with the rest of all his family. I was talking to my sister about it the other day and I asked her why. Why hasnt anyone or everyone stopped what they were doing right then when they heard what happened and immediately gone to visit him or picked him up to visit with us? Should he really be away from his family right now after his twin brother just killed himself? Thank God the cops were the first to know. Of course, we're all just too busy with our own lives though. You know, with work and all the other nonsense responsabilities. My sister and I were about to drive there ourselves. Anyways, I was supposed to go to the funeral today but I guess he's getting creamated instead so the process is going to take a little longer. To top it all off work has been kicking my ass with hours lately and I cant stand the place more than ever. I had to train a new door server the other day and I felt like all I did was tell her all the shitty things that go on there and how to deal with them and get by. I was being very bitter and my manager overheard and threatened me to stop. I didn't. I love the people there but I hate the stupid fucking authority. Let me run that place, everyone would be smiling. I am desperate for change. So, as if I dont have enough going on with trying to cram in all my built up schoolwork, job, friends, and a death in the family, I have about 3 ex boyfriends who arent making it any easier. None of them realize that I DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. It really upsets me that they are all too selfish to understand where I am in life right now, accept it and just be a genuine friend to me. I wish they would all just stop trying so hard to make me fall in love with them and just chill out and be my friend. thats all i ask. Thats all I've ever asked and I feel like it never happens. Why are guys so fucking stupid? I sware they're all the same and its getting on my very last nerve. Im debating on whether or not to just completely stop talking to every one of them. I never tried it before and I wonder if it would be better than trying to make everyone happy. Im not even trying to make them happy anymore. I really am for once just focusing on what it is I want to do and whats going to make me happy right now and thats finishing out the semester at Uconn, saving up as much cash as possible, & relaxing with my friends whenever I have a spare minute. Thats all I want to do. No strings attached. I dont want to kiss anybody, nevermind hook up. I dont need that extra stuff in my life right now, at all. I dont need to fall in love. All I need are my true friends and maybe some new ones to keep me sane as I set sail to find out who the fuck I am and what I'm doing with my life. And who knows what I'm doing or where I'm going to end up. Once I get even a clue and am a little less than completely confused, then maybe I will have time to think about having a boyfriend. But right now I am 18 years old and ready to be single this summer. I havent been alone in years and I need to be desperately so that I can set my mind towards other important things like all my plans and many shows i have to look forward to. and hopefully after that, ill be heading to art school, independent with as many friends I could create, ready to change the world and finally start living the rest of my life. The only truth I know is that I'm not ready to settle and I can't wait to get the hell on out of here.
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| obstacles, smobstacles |
[03 Apr 2007|01:00pm] |
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mood |
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 worried |
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music |
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too low to find my way, too high to wonder why |
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i know what i want deep inside but i feel like what i have to do to reach it is too overwhelming and unpromising. will i end up just settling?
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| Decisions, Decisions. |
[28 Mar 2007|12:21pm] |
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mood |
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 ??? |
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music |
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Hey There Delila |
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So I really can't stop thinking about attending Columbia next year. I can't make a decision on my own so I need everyone's opinion. Should I take a wild chance, move away to Chicago and completely indulge in something I have only good feelings about and wanted for so long? or should I stay closer to home and all my friends and loved ones? i need to grow up.
take this into consideration when posting your comments;
my fortune yesterday said "you are heading for a land of sunshine"
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[26 Mar 2007|05:27pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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So, as of right now, my life is pretty much rediculous. I feel like this is the first time I've been single in a while. But I don't really feel %100 percent single because I have so much extra baggage to tend to. Every guy I've had a relationship with before is still involved in my life somehow and I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I feel like they are all so needy.
I'm just trying to do whatever i want whenever i feel it is right in my heart. im trying to focus less on guys and more on friends and school. hopefully i will be attending an art school by next spring. this is an actual goal of mine i feel i can not afford not reaching. it will be done. i have so many options. i can stay in ct or i can go to mass or ny with emily or chicago even with sam and linz. whatever it is i know i will be happy in the artsy environment i love.
btw i really wanted to write a novel in here about my trip to chicago but i never got the words down. the story is perfect in my mind though and im pissed at myself for not writing stuff down when its in mind. I really need to buy a nice journal/scrapbook to pour my thoughts into. oh yes, i love my english class still and my professor even more. i also love joseph meyers.
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| I love having things to look forward to. |
[27 Feb 2007|11:07am] |
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mood |
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content |
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Basically, I had one of the greatest days of my life yesterday. After randomly drinking a jug of wine with tif and playing text twist all night, I wake up to a snow day!! yayy. So we went shopping alll day and found numerous bargains. I love shopping. & I have been getting rid of a lot of old clothes and its so refreshing feeling. Anyways, I cant wait for this week to be over to enjoy my spring break. THen in march im goin to chicago. siccck!
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| so much on my mind. |
[25 Jan 2007|12:37pm] |
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mood |
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distressed |
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music |
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sublime |
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i should really start writing in this thing again. My english teacher is very inspiring. i regret not keeping an actual day-to-day journal. I love reading my old ones i find from years ago. They help me remember who I am. I saw the movie Children of Men the other night and i was somewhat disturbed. what is this world coming to? I hate that we are born into it as slaves but are so ironically patriotic about our so-called "freedom." It really bothers me that we have to work unbelievably hard even if our dream in life is to just be able to sit down and do nothing. Can you imagine that, leading a life in which you have no serious responsabilities or burdens and waking up every morning and being able to say, well, what is it i want to do today? isn't that freedom? it should be mine already. but this world makes me work for it. sometimes i just want to say fuck it. i want to do whatever it is i want whenever the hell i want. no plan, just pure spontaniety. that is what truly makes me happy; so why can't i have it?
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| Woot Woot! |
[12 Dec 2006|09:30pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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say hello say hello to tomorrowww |
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i just got out of bed at 4 p.m. i was so tired. i need to study study study for my last two finals tomorrow. Im so glad, I really love this break from school. I did pretty bad on my statistics final and im a little worried about psychology and philosophy also but no sweat, pretty soon itll all be over and time to do some mega last minute christmas shopping.
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| On My Own |
[10 Dec 2006|06:36pm] |
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music |
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it isn't worth my time |
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It's truly amazing how simple life is. How looking up into the sky and taking a single breath of its beauty in can revive your entire body. How making someone you care about smile can make you feel as important as the ruler of the universe. How playing with a child can make you feel young again for even just a few minutes. And it's even more amazing how ridiculously complex and confusing we humans make it all out to be.
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